UFO-Funny Newsletter - Vol 1 No 1 - 2011

Magazine Overview

Title: ВЕСЕЛЫЙ УХВОЛОГИЧЕСКИЙ БЮЛЛЕТЕНЬ (The Funny Ufological Bulletin)
Issue: 1
Volume: 1
Date: 2011
Publisher: VALENCIENNES
Country: Russia
Language: Russian

This issue is a satirical and humorous take on the topic of UFOs and extraterrestrial encounters. It blends fictional accounts, parodies of official documents, and absurd advice.

Cover

The cover features a collage of images. The main headline is "Продаю срочно!!!" (Selling urgently!!!) accompanied by an image of a futuristic car. Other elements include a depiction of a "Martian" apparition, a man looking up, a smaller inset claiming photographic evidence proves Iraq UFO sightings are hoaxes, and a Chinese advertisement for "Intergalactic Communication."

Articles and Content

Marius Dewilde's "Martian" Apparition

The cover prominently features a reconstruction of a "fantasmagorical Martian apparition" by Marius Dewilde. The accompanying text likely details this event, though the specific content is not fully legible.

"Letatra-7500" Flying Car for Sale

A humorous advertisement describes a used "Letatra-7500" flying car from 2034. It boasts a quantum engine (slightly leaking plasma), a cracked windshield, a holographic radio, heated seats, and a laser turret alarm. The energy shield needs repair, and the price is 8500 credits, with bargaining possible.

Instructions for Encountering UFOs

This section provides a satirical guide on how to behave when encountering an unidentified flying object (UFO). Key advice includes:

1. Verify Sanity: Ensure you have the instructions and are not experiencing delirium tremens.
2. Test for Reality: Perform pinching actions on yourself, especially on sensitive areas. If the UFO remains visible, it's considered "conditionally existing."
3. Equip Yourself: Carry essential tools like a compass, Geiger counter, sonar, radar station, and lie detector.
4. Approach: Move towards the UFO by alternating steps. If it has a protective field, consider using tools like a sledgehammer, jackhammer, explosives, a limited nuclear explosion, or the magic word "Open Sesame."
5. Entry: If you manage to get close, attempt to enter using the aforementioned tools, or look for an open hatch or "back entrance."

Inside the UFO

Upon entering a UFO, one might encounter aliens. The recommended procedure is to inject alcohol (vodka) into your bloodstream and immediately change into dry underwear. If you need to establish contact, bring vodka, glasses, and snacks. You should explain that Earthlings are rational beings (demonstrating knowledge of Pythagoras and calculus), recount human history, and inquire about the aliens' plans. If they wish to settle, offering Ukraine at a below-market price is suggested. After contact, psychiatrists from the institute will be called.

Recommendations for Buying a UFO

When purchasing a UFO, buyers are advised to:

1. Check Functionality: Ensure it works in all modes and has all seals, with no cracks or scratches.
2. Acclimatize: If stored in low temperatures, let it warm up to room temperature for 12 hours before use.
3. Pilot Sobriety: The UFO operates with a pilot's sobriety level of 0.5% (symptoms include not mooing or bleating).

UFO Technical Specifications and Safety

Kit Contents: 1 UFO, 14,250 instruction manuals, 10 alien units, 10 stokers.

• Technical Specifications:
• Pilot voltage: 40%
• Dimensions: 10 x 15 x 3 x 8.5 x 60
• Engine Power: 1 million Chinese (speed not less than 3 corpses per hour)
• Mass: Not determined
• Precious metal content: None

Safety Instructions:

1. Environment: UFOs operate in hostile environments. Seal all hatches and vents.
2. Firefighting: In case of fire, immediately unplug the UFO and break the windows. If the fire persists, cover it with a damp, dense cloth. If necessary, re-wet the cloth. To avoid smoke poisoning, evacuate everyone, especially women and children. Report fires to the fire department.

UFO Operating Principle and Purpose

The operating principle is based on a "quasi-classical approximation" for the first terms of the wave function decomposition by Planck's constant, involving rotation and reflection. The purpose of a UFO is to transport individuals who cannot walk due to the lack of safe sidewalks in space.

UFO Control

Control involves:

1. Check Panel: Ensure the panel has no familiar labels, buttons, or levers.
2. Trial and Error: Press, twist, and pull everything until something happens.
3. Think: If the above fails, try thinking.

Warranty

The firm guarantees that upon acquiring a UFO, the owner will become a regular patient of the "Institute of Paranoia and Schizophrenia."

Future Issues

Teasers for future issues include "It seemed like anime...", "Eyewitness accounts," "Humanoid in a glass," "Technology for making crop circles," and "NASA conspiracy theory."

"James Bond" Sighting Questionnaire

A parody of a U.S. Air Force "Sighting of Unidentified Phenomena Questionnaire" is presented, filled out by "James Bond." The sighting occurred on October 24th, 1968, at 03:00 AM, near Highway #5, with the phenomenon approximately 10 miles away and at a certain altitude above the horizon.

Recurring Themes and Editorial Stance

The recurring themes are UFOs, aliens, and conspiracy theories, all treated with heavy satire and humor. The editorial stance is clearly to mock and deconstruct the serious aspects of ufology by presenting absurd scenarios, illogical advice, and parodies of official procedures and documents. The magazine aims to entertain through its irreverent and imaginative approach to these topics.