Swamp Gas Journal - 2003 Special Issue 6

Magazine Overview

Title: The Swamp Gas Journal
Issue: Special Issue No. 6
Date: Summer 2003
ISSN: 0707-7106
Publisher: The Swamp Gas Journal

This issue of The Swamp Gas Journal presents a satirical and humorous 'confession' from an anonymous author who claims to be the mastermind behind numerous famous UFO sightings, phenomena, and even the development of ufology itself. The article, originally posted to alt.paranet.ufo in 1996, is reproduced with an addendum for posterity.

The Great Confession

The author begins by stating their intention to 'come clean' about their involvement in various UFO-related events, hoping to bring peace to the ufology community. They then proceed to take credit for a wide array of incidents:

• Kenneth Arnold's 1947 Sighting: The author claims to have paid Kenneth Arnold to step forward and speak of seeing 'flying dishes' near Mt. Rainier.
• Army Air Force Pilots: They assert they knocked several Army Air Force pilots out of the sky at 80,000 feet using a slingshot.
• 'Ultimate Saucer Wave' (1952): The author claims to have run around Washington with 10,000 marijuana cigarettes, flashing lights at the Capitol to create the illusion of an 'Ultimate Saucer Wave.'
• Ruppelt's Book: They admit to co-writing Ruppelt's book and later adding three debunking chapters.
• Frisbees in Montana: One million frisbees with Christmas lights were thrown in Great Falls, Montana, with pictures taken by a person named Marietta (or Martinette).
• Gabriel Green's Campaign: The author claims to have voted for and run Gabriel Green's campaign.
• Ubatuba Magnesium: They take responsibility for the 'Ubatuba magnesium' incident, admitting it was pure but forgot to cover it up when it rained.
• E. U. Condon: The author states they built the android 'E. U. Condon' and programmed his actions, including his 'bogus conclusions' for the Colorado Project.
• Lowe Memorandum: They modified the infamous Lowe Memorandum to read 'trick' instead of 'truck.'
• Carl Sagan: The author claims they tried to convince Carl Sagan to endorse Kraft Margarine, but he instead turned against flying saucers.
• Reports and Tracts: They re-edited the O'brien report, the Robertson Panel report, the Scientific Study of UFO's, and a tract called 'Saucers are from Satan' (now 'Flying Saucers: A Modern Myth of Things Seen in The Sky').
• 'Orthoteny': The term 'orthoteny' was invented by the author.
• The Hills Abduction: The author claims to have kidnapped the Hills, driven them around Montreal in their Volvo, poked them with safety pins, and read them 'The Friendly Stars.'
• Betty Andreasson: The author claims to *be* Betty Andreasson.
• 'Dan' and Linda: The author claims to be 'Dan' and to have had relations with Linda on the beach while playing hookey from their job as chauffeur for the prime minister of Canada.
• Travis Walton Abduction (1975): They claim to have picked up Travis Walton and thrown him against a tree while shining a spotlight in his ear.
• Carrot Men (Pascagoula): The author provoked the 'evil Carrot Men' in Pascagoula, Mississippi, with a dead tunafish and old socks.
• 'Alien Abduction': The term 'alien abduction' was created solely by the author, who demands royalties.
• Nose Implants: Nose implants were sold at blue light specials at K Marts in 1979.
• Billy Meier: Billy Meier was created from chicken giblets, becoming a 'Saucer Nut for Christ.'
• Bob Lazar and Phillip J. Klass: The author claims to be the father of both Bob Lazar and Phillip J. Klass.
• S 4 Saucer Model: The author owns the model company that produces the S 4 saucer model, which allegedly causes USAF jets to be scrambled.
• 'Hector Quintilla': This name was invented for a Taco Bell product in 1965.
• 'Area 51' and 'Hangar 18': The author claims to have named their living room 'Area 51' and their bathroom 'Hangar 18,' with no idea how this became public knowledge.
• 'Aurora': 'Aurora' is the name of the author's favorite kite, not a secret government plane.
• Jimmy Carter's UFO: The author folded the paper aeroplane that Jimmy Carter reported as a UFO.
• Von Daniken: The author gave Von Daniken his 'ancient astronaut' ideas during an indigestion attack in 1974.
• Japan Airlines: The author owns Japan Airlines and all UFO reports made by the organization.
• White Helicopters: The author piloted black helicopters to expose the existence of white helicopters.
• Snippy's Rectum: The author claims to have cored out Snippy's rectum for personal use.
• Dr. J. Allen Hynek: The author negotiated Dr. Hynek's contract for 'Close Encounters of the Third Kind.'
• Aztec, New Mexico Incident: The author admits to crashing their car in Aztec, New Mexico, and fabricating the saucer story to escape a breathalyzer test.
• Falling Frog Reports: The author is responsible for all anomalous falling frog reports.
• SETI: The author created the radio telescope and SETI to get MTV for free.
• Dr. Donald Menzel and Dr. James Oberg: The author claims to be the illegitimate great grandson of Dr. Donald Menzel and the lesbian lover of Dr. James Oberg.
• 'Flying Saucers? Well, Maybe': The author wrote this book, which was censored.
• Gemini Missions: Dinner plates and vomit bags were flung out of Gemini VII and XI windows to entertain astronauts.
• Commander X: Commander X is the author's Uncle Robert.
• Roswell: 'Roswell' is the name of the person who took the author's virginity.
• Prairie Squid on Jupiter: The author placed prairie squid in Jupiter's atmosphere and instructed America Online to spread news of life there.

Postscript and Further Admissions

Following the main confession, the author offers further apologies and mentions additional 'things' they forgot:

• Doug and Dave: These are the author's parents, who taught them to make snow angels.
• Crop Formations: The author claims to have traveled extensively to create crop formations and suggests their Lear jet leaves 'Chemtrails.'
• Bob Lazar and Element 115: The author drove Bob Lazar in a blacked-out school bus to their garage to make Element 115, which turned out to be Element 114½.
• Jackie Gleason: The author played pool with Jackie Gleason in the 1960s and won UFO books from him.
• Face on Mars: The author created the face on Mars, intending it to be a bust of their grandfather, but a nuclear bomb from their slingshot messed up its nose.
• FOIA Requests: All UFO FOIA requests are brought directly to the author.
• Puppy Training: The author is paper training a new puppy.
• Stanton Friedman: Stanton Friedman 'definitely does not exist.'
• Bunion Surgery: The author paid Leir to dig out a bunion.
• Corkscrew Incident: A corkscrew incident from childhood looks different in photos now.
• 'Chupacapra': The author's name translated into Portuguese is 'Chupacapra.'
• Harvard Parties: The author and John Mack wore the wrong underwear home from parties at Harvard multiple times.
• Rendlesham Forest: The author claims to have bagged eight deer while illegally jacklamping in Rendlesham Forest.
• Art Bell's Radio Show: Using parts from Radio Shack, the author built a transmitter to jam Art Bell's show every night, basing it on content from 'Weekly World News' and 'Fark.com.'
• Steven Spielberg's 'Taken': The character of the weird guy driving the carny truck in 'Taken' is based on the author, whose lawyers have been contacted.
• Michael Persinger's Helmet: The author shorted out Michael Persinger's helmet, causing him to hallucinate explanations for UFO sightings.
• Stonehenge: Stonehenge is described as a 'huge vagina' created by aliens as a reminder that Earthlings have been 'screwed by the Cosmic Federation.'
• Pyramids: The pyramids are described as 'giant bustiers in honor of Madonna.'
• Robert Sheaffer and James Moseley: Anything written by Robert Sheaffer is false, while James Moseley is considered 'shockingly close to the truth.'
• Rap Music: Rap music is called the 'intergalactic standard of excellence in spiritual enlightenment.'
• HAARP Program: The government is using the HAARP program to modify the world's weather.
• Whitley Strieber: The author loaned Whitley Strieber a cat to deal with mice.
• Maitreya: Maitreya is the author's uncle.
• Hale-Bopp: The author admits to picking pockets and taking credit cards while people were looking at Hale-Bopp.
• Varginha Incident: The author claims to be the 'deformed human' seen by girls at Varginha.
• British Royalty: British royalty are described as Anglicans, not green, scaly reptiles.
• Steven Greer: The author gets headaches when Steven Greer tries to 'vector me in.'
• Photo Lab Technicians: Incompetent photo lab technicians are deliberately hired at Wal-Mart to create fuzzy smudges on prints, explaining the presence of 'rods.'
• Joe Firmage: Joe Firmage quit his job because the author told him money can't buy happiness.
• Michael Jackson's Birthday Party (1970): A 12th birthday party for Michael Jackson was held in Dulce, New Mexico, leading to MJ 12.
• Ryan Wood: Ryan Wood was not on the invitation list for the party.
• Ultralight Pilots: A team of ultralight pilots was trained to fly over Belgium, Ohio, and Phoenix at night.
• APRO Files: A goon named Luigi was hired to break the kneecaps of people holding original APRO files, and the author now possesses them.
• Donald Keyhoe: Donald Keyhoe believed everything the author said, especially when the author wore a four-star general costume.
• Alien Autopsy Film: The alien autopsy film is real and explains why Jimmy Hoffa's body was never found.
• K'Nex Robot: A robot built from K'Nex receives people's emails and posts them to UFO UpDates, called 'Errol Bruce-Knapp.'
• Strawberry Ice Cream: Aliens dislike strawberry ice cream, as it makes them break out in hives.
• Joe Simonton: Joe Simonton was invited to the author's trailer and cooked special pancakes, which were tofu.
• Phil Corso: Phil Corso saw the bodies and the experimental time machine, but the author went back in time and moved everything, making his story not check out.

The author concludes with another apology, stating, "I hope this clears everything up."

Recurring Themes and Editorial Stance

The primary theme of this issue is satire and debunking through extreme exaggeration. The author adopts a persona of a mischievous trickster who has manipulated the entire UFO field for their own amusement. The editorial stance appears to be one of playful skepticism, using humor to question the validity of many UFO claims and the credulity of those involved in the subject. The magazine itself, 'The Swamp Gas Journal,' with its title and the nature of the content, suggests a publication that does not take UFO phenomena at face value but rather approaches it with a critical and often humorous perspective.